Yet another Tedious New Year Rant

I like the delusion of a new year. It is a mental bridge that assures me of an ability to do things differently without having to work too hard. In the Naija ‘E go better’ spirit, I started the year in church, steely proclaiming the final seconds of the year done and embracing the goodness of the new. Like I did for most of the years of my life, I also created a mental list of things that will automatically change in 2011. Unlike those years, I have also penned them with the flourish of experiences from my tedious legal briefs and Facebook notes.

My first resolution is to ignore anything that would destroy my illusions of grandeur. That has started of nicely since I intend to share my tedious definitions of ‘being a better person’ with anyone who wants to read it. The next step is to appear in the Supreme Court by myself. The only hindrance I foresee is convincing any reasonable senior or client to allow me on this egoistic rampage. I have considered options as poisoning Big Oga, Posh Tall, Plain Short, Ghandi and basically everyone in the upper rungs of the ladder till I am the only one left but I think that might be too obvious. I am open to any other suggestions in reaching this goal.

I will be a ‘sweeter ‘Rookie. Playing tough, hardworking or a female Keyamo wannabe is Abacha-era old and won’t make you president. I am therefore looking at another model – a harmless-looking female Goodluck Jonathan in a black robe and wig. I am also considering a calm Ayo Obe and an Abike Dabiri mix. Just so I don’t become underrated and underpaid as the Super Falcons, I’ll balance my sweetness with brownnosing my way into a pay raise. Nothing will be beneath me – not even the Minister of State for Information, Labaran Maku. I will consistently thank the court for bringing justice to West Africa and the clients for helping me pay my Law School debt. Within the firm, I will gush in awe at the senior partner’s black tie as I compliment his eye for colour. I will wonder aloud about his excellent taste as I marvel at his green stripped bowtie. Hopefully, he will soon start to notice my ‘perceptive personality’ and ignore the fact that I hardly do any work.

To add some depth to the sweeter 2011 version of Rookie, I will start wearing oversized glasses to court., never mind my 20-20 vision. While research has not shown a link between glasses and brilliance; Gani Fawehinmi, Rotimi Williams and Femi Falana have assured me of the link to oratory prowess. Judges are mostly human so they’ll probably assume some relationship with smartness and whatever comes out of my mouth.

I will use Facebook less and concentrate more on Spider Solitaire during the day. In the false camaraderie that follows the Christmas parties, I added a couple of my colleagues as ‘friends’. Friends know when you gossip or use employer time to do non-employer stuff which is bad for ‘business’ or my pay raise aspirations. To balance the limitations of Facebook, I will delegate more – which really means dumping all the work on the poor juniors who just got out of law school. I will be nicer to the juniors though so that they give better work and won’t murmur when I steal their credit.

I’ll try to make my affidavits for extension of time more believable. I will ditch the over-recycled story about one of my colleagues who left the firm with the client’s file and switch to more interesting ones ending with how I lost it after I heard about a bomb threat. I will also vote during the elections. Far from a patriotic zeal for a better Nigeria, I realise that I can do with some first-hand experience for the flood of election petitions that will come afterwards.

I hope 2011 will be a better year, near-believable elections and more peace than the last year.

*P.S:

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